Mom and Dad came and stayed 2 days. We had fun.

All of a sudden, I feel that I am not sure about what I'm doing. After all these days studying and reading alone, I suddenly feel that I am so drawn to people, even my Mom and Dad, people that I usually have nothing could talk with.

I am so scared by this feeling and thought. I thought I was doing fine. I thought I knew where I am heading to. I thought I've made the plan for my coming few years. I thought I was in a safe place and everything was under control. I thought i was going steadfast. All of a sudden i find i had became the kind of person i dislikes.

I don't know what I want to do. I wanted to go work after graduation so that I could get out of  the suffocating education thing. I wanted to be a "rebellious" Christian as a way of protesting the "model Christian". I wanted to be the kind of  cool and boring linguistic geek. I wanted to finish reading all the great literatures so these big-headed guys would not ostentiously talk about "the waste land" or "1984" around my ears.... It always looked that I had too many choices and I just didn't know which to take.

But today, after watching 3 movies in a row, i suddenly realise that i don' t want to do what i am doing. Having a perfect plan of giving each subject 1 hour a day, doing one piece of tranlation everyday with in 30 minutes... Plans that i always could not finish. They suck. They engulf my spirit.

And i don't want to do anything that i planed i could be doing. They all look worthless and meaningless by thinking about the reason of doing them. Like the instructions for essay writing "you should never start a sentence with 'and' or 'but'." They are boring, those books on my shelf and bed are boring. Milan Kundera is boring. All the schools of literatures are boring...I am sick of studying the language and reading novels and watching movies to try to capture a glimpse the countries, the people, try to perceive the culture... Doing all this in a country that do not speak the language, wasting so much money to get the crapy education which one could get by getting a libraray card for 50 kuai and watching movies.

Where is my passion? I can't find it. I sense that the perfect plans and brilliant goals are smirking at me with their scornful, victorious eyes.